he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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