I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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