I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
