Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
