Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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