i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
