Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
