dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
