Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i out mim tonsoeep
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