mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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