I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
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