i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
