I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
