I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
