So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize