Got a toothbrush?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
