Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
