i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
