Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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