I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
