I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
40s are totally the cure
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
