I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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