i was born a porn star she said
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize