I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Be still, my beating vagina.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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