I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
