We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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