made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
