so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Randomize
