Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
