I think I am morally bankrupt
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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