I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
