Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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