please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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