There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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