Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
