I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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