her vagina looked like bernie madoff
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
