I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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