I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize