what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just pee around me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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