Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
