Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
