my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
