Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
