I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
