It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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