Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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