So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
