Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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