Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize