Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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