This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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