I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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