Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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