i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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