my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
