she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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