I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize