dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
