I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
