This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
