the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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