the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
