Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
