They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Sorry about my life...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
