i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
