i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
my being single is dangerous.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
