On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
